Helium Article # 1

In my wisdom teeth removal recovery period I have joined a website called Helium.com. It's some kind of information sharing self-publishing article generator thing. It provides article topic titles and you go nuts writing away.

Today I chose the topic: Online Dating Mistakes Men Need to Avoid

Here it is:

As someone who treated online dating like a sport for about 5 months and went on at least 40 dates, I consider myself an expert on the online dating mistakes of men. Here are the top five things men should consider as they enter the ether world of love:

1.) How accurate are your pictures?

The very last date I went on and the reason why I quit online dating was because my date grossly misrepresented himself in his online pictures. Not only was he overweight, beady eyed, and poorly dressed, but he had a terrible personality to boot. Now if you are an overweight, beady eyed, poorly dressed man with a terrible personality, please present yourself that way. If you find a lady that’s into that sort of thing, you will know it’s real. Sell yourself in any other way and you’ll be wasting your time and money on a woman who will turn you into a cautionary online dating tale faster than you can say McMuffin Breath.

2.) Do you need a therapist more than you need a girlfriend?

At least 30% of the dates I went on were pro bono therapy sessions wherein I reassured, understood, rationalized, and talked down the saddest men in the world. Yes. Life is hard. But it’s a lot harder to find a hot girl that gives a hoot about your bummed out sack of broken dreams…on the first date.

3.) Are you as funny in real life as you are on paper?

How many times did I LOL when reading a potential suitors profile? SO MANY! How many times did I LOL in a face to face? Not at all. Never. Nope. I even had a guy ADMIT that he is funnier on paper. Most women don’t date paper, so step up your face game or chill out on the Mr. Witty profile man.

4.) Eager Beaver?

I know its super exciting to be out with a fantastic lady with a cool phone, but really try not to make 5 future plans with her after ten minutes of waiting for the first drink to kick in. If you think she’s the cat’s pajamas and all you want to do is touch her arm, take three deep breaths and try to hold out for the next 15 or so minutes to pass. If you have to touch her, be subtle: No weirdo hand on the lower back. If you need to tell her she’s pretty make a comment about her necklace. Do not go overboard on the compliments and please, whatever you do: hide your boner at all costs.

5.) Open up.

Number one most obnoxious thing a guy can do on a date is be a total dud. We ladies would much rather have a horror story than no story at all. I once went on a date with a guy who had just gotten back from a trip to Brazil. I thought, “Great we’ll have so much to talk about! Traveling, cultural/social observations, bachelor party shenanigans, ocean creatures!” Imagine my disappointment when all the guy could squeeze out of his Brazilian excursion was that he ate a lot of beef and went rock climbing once. I also found out that his job involves a lot of paper shuffling and that he works out until 9 o’clock three days a week. Womp Womp. The ability to elaborate is key to keeping an intelligent woman’s attention. It gives us more fodder with which to psychoanalyze you and subsequently decide if we want to see you naked or not. There’s a fine line between sexy mystery man (only exists in foreign movies), and short-answer bad conversation dude (all too common). Try not to be the latter.

Yeah Well, Life's Not Fair

Remember when you were a kid and Jessica Fairbanks, your best twin-name friend/nemesis, got to ride the pretty tall white horse named Dakota, and you got stuck with the fat old flea-bitten fart of equine genetics named Ralph. And how you expressed to your mother that,"It's not fair!"? and she responded with something to the tune of, "Yeah Well, life's not fair (YWLNF)." And how in that moment YWLNF was least desirable pentad of words you would ever ever want to hear?

Then when you got older and found out that indeed life IS NOT fair and that its' injustices both small and large are not only ever-present but yet to come. And that if you said "It's not fair," every time something was not fair you would be a miserable/infantalized adult with no friends and an equally disgruntled parrot named Lady?

Yes, life is full of inequalities- My students make sure to remind me of this on a daily basis. I try as little as possible to drop the YWLNF line of them, but sometimes it's all I got. I started thinking- What can really truly justify the YWLNF line. Less- "My boss is a prick loser and has out for me" and more "Life's a bitch and then you die"- I came up with a list.

1.) Having extremely abusive/shitty parents
2.) Innocent Bystander Casualties
3.) Extreme Psoriasis
4.) Colostomy Bag Necessity
5.) Severe Wheat/Gluten Allergies- seriously, what.
6.) Genocide
8.) Dirty drinking water
9.) Underdeveloped/absent sexual organs
10.) The fact that nearly 99.9% of the population will never get to go to outer space.

Sometimes you'll hit a kid with YWLNF because they're upset that they got the blue frisbee instead of the green one. Then other times you have to explain to a 7 year old that the reason they are not coming back to the same class next year is because their crackhead mother, with her own abusive background, exposed them to so much severe emotional, chemical, and sexual trauma at the age of 3 that their current guardian can no longer take on the challenges of caring for such a damaged child, and that they have to be shipped to another city where their Child Protective Services case was first opened, and entered into the foster care system, where they will not know anyone, will gain an even deeper sense of abandonment than they already have and have to rely on the failings of the under-funded Social Services to survive past high school.

But you can't really say YWLNF to a kid like that because they already know- and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it- I guess that's what makes certain parts of Life truly unfair- - the inability to change them

Coulda Shoulda Woulda

I have been a busy little beaver in the past month- wrapping up the school year, traveling, river ratting, sharpening my teeth. So busy that I have not had a smidgen of time to do any serious blogging of sorts. Damn Shame. This does not, however, mean that I have not THOUGHT about my blog. I think about it all the time- In fact I think about it so much I thought I'd blog about thinking about my blog. Finally- A little motivation- RIGHHTTTT!

Here are my top 5 Blog Thoughts (with Abstract):

1.) I djflkanut NEW YORK



When I went to NYC a few weeks ago to visit friends from various parts of my life I learned three things about myself: 1.) When it comes to vintage clothes under $20 I have no control. 2.) I love Ramen. 3.)Heat + Humidity + One leaky wallet + UTTER FILTH = Me djflkanuting New York.

While I relished the time I spent with my friends, who I love dearly and with great passion, I really did not enjoy New York this time around. I mean don't get me wrong: The food was off the HOOK, the shopping rocked my frock, and the people are insanely beautiful. But the HEAT. THE HEAT. JESUS MARYSUS. Imagine 90 degree humidity holding hands with the infernal sun: On top of rotting trash, millions of sweaty, stinky pedestrians, constant mind-numbing consumption, and an eternal hangover: NYC you kicked my ass.

2.) THE ONE

That's it. It Happened. I'm completely, totally, head over heels, butt-crazy IN LOVE! You know how people who are partners-4-life tell you that they just KNEW on the first date- just KNEW. I understand that now. City of Oakland: I HECKA DO!

3.) To Clean or Not to Clean

The other day I was washing my dishes, and started laughing. This is it, I thought to myself. Cleaning: It's friggen awesome. Dear Mom, You win.

4.) The Road Not Taken

Life is full of infinite possibilities. And so is email. I recently started this game "The Road Not Taken" (inspired by the Robert Frost poem) with my friend Nick, wherein I give 5 possible responses to his last email. Now the first email thread was pretty cut and dry.He wrote something- I wrote 5 somethings back. However when the ball went over to Nick's court. The response thread grew. He gave five responses- one response per 5 responses I gave- Then 5 whole new responses to my email in summation. Resulting in 10 total responses.

Now of course, we could continue on like this. I could directly respond to his last 5 responses then create a whole new thread of 5 more responses totaling in 10 responses per email OR I could Experiment In Exploding The Universe By Dabbling In Exponential Infinity Popping or EIETUBDIEIP. Think painting of a painting of a painting or in Laymen's terms: Sheri Lewis's "Song that Never Ends."


Every response gets 5 responses. This would require alot of work on both Nick and I's part. We'd both have to be very committed- which is kind of ironic since the whole point of giving 5 responses is to not commit. In any case- EIETUBDIEIP is not for the light of heart. But then again- consider: The Road.


5.) Trader Jo'Mama



Trader Joe's is funny because they try to keep it real by giving "ethnic" branding to their diverse array of food items:

Trader Giotti
Trader Jose
Trader Ming

In any case I came up with a list of possible Traders and their corresponding products:

a.) Trader Joke: Vegan Prime Rib
b.) Trader Jonas Brothers: Static Free Hair Brush
c.) Trader Guzman (my cat): Corn on the Cob - he loves corn. loves...................................

ugh this one is a fail. i really tried. if you got anything Joe-wise let me know.