Helium Article # 1

In my wisdom teeth removal recovery period I have joined a website called Helium.com. It's some kind of information sharing self-publishing article generator thing. It provides article topic titles and you go nuts writing away.

Today I chose the topic: Online Dating Mistakes Men Need to Avoid

Here it is:

As someone who treated online dating like a sport for about 5 months and went on at least 40 dates, I consider myself an expert on the online dating mistakes of men. Here are the top five things men should consider as they enter the ether world of love:

1.) How accurate are your pictures?

The very last date I went on and the reason why I quit online dating was because my date grossly misrepresented himself in his online pictures. Not only was he overweight, beady eyed, and poorly dressed, but he had a terrible personality to boot. Now if you are an overweight, beady eyed, poorly dressed man with a terrible personality, please present yourself that way. If you find a lady that’s into that sort of thing, you will know it’s real. Sell yourself in any other way and you’ll be wasting your time and money on a woman who will turn you into a cautionary online dating tale faster than you can say McMuffin Breath.

2.) Do you need a therapist more than you need a girlfriend?

At least 30% of the dates I went on were pro bono therapy sessions wherein I reassured, understood, rationalized, and talked down the saddest men in the world. Yes. Life is hard. But it’s a lot harder to find a hot girl that gives a hoot about your bummed out sack of broken dreams…on the first date.

3.) Are you as funny in real life as you are on paper?

How many times did I LOL when reading a potential suitors profile? SO MANY! How many times did I LOL in a face to face? Not at all. Never. Nope. I even had a guy ADMIT that he is funnier on paper. Most women don’t date paper, so step up your face game or chill out on the Mr. Witty profile man.

4.) Eager Beaver?

I know its super exciting to be out with a fantastic lady with a cool phone, but really try not to make 5 future plans with her after ten minutes of waiting for the first drink to kick in. If you think she’s the cat’s pajamas and all you want to do is touch her arm, take three deep breaths and try to hold out for the next 15 or so minutes to pass. If you have to touch her, be subtle: No weirdo hand on the lower back. If you need to tell her she’s pretty make a comment about her necklace. Do not go overboard on the compliments and please, whatever you do: hide your boner at all costs.

5.) Open up.

Number one most obnoxious thing a guy can do on a date is be a total dud. We ladies would much rather have a horror story than no story at all. I once went on a date with a guy who had just gotten back from a trip to Brazil. I thought, “Great we’ll have so much to talk about! Traveling, cultural/social observations, bachelor party shenanigans, ocean creatures!” Imagine my disappointment when all the guy could squeeze out of his Brazilian excursion was that he ate a lot of beef and went rock climbing once. I also found out that his job involves a lot of paper shuffling and that he works out until 9 o’clock three days a week. Womp Womp. The ability to elaborate is key to keeping an intelligent woman’s attention. It gives us more fodder with which to psychoanalyze you and subsequently decide if we want to see you naked or not. There’s a fine line between sexy mystery man (only exists in foreign movies), and short-answer bad conversation dude (all too common). Try not to be the latter.