Should

Driving today amidst the insanity of a snowy slopfest the car in front me spun out and slid past the stop sign it was fruitlessly braking for. I thought. He should have pumped his brakes. Really should have. He would not have slipped then. If he was doing what he should have done in such dreary conditions. Yes. I speaketh the truth. SHOULD. SHOULD. SHOULD.

But really it wouldn't have mattered. There still would have been no cars around to maim, no pedestrians to kill, the driver would have had one less stop sign of note in his life, and I would not be writing about the word Should right here and now.

SHOULD. It's a psychologically complex word that gets thrown around like the word fuck at a football game. I'm not actually sure if fuck is indeed used profusely at football games. I've never been to one. Maybe Shit, is the word of choice Oh Lord! CockSucker! Son of a Gun with Two Daddies and a Limpin' Pony! I would not be the one to ask. I guess I should know what I'm talking about before I start making such bold statements. I really should.

The first time I received wrath from dispensing this auxiliary verb was when I was in a long distance relationship in college. I casually mentioned "Hey you should buy the next phone card."

Bf: OH YEAH?! I SHOULD DO ALOT OF THINGS(snap!)!!!

me: oh, um. sorry?

Yes, I could have asked: "Hey will you by the next phone card?" I should have seen the disaster signs ahead...

I was so shocked and frightened by the intensity of his response it took me years to recover. I've even tried using this intense kind of reaction on other boyfriends who have dropped the should bomb on me. It never helped. Getting all uh uh uh about shit never helps. Nevertheless, I was still shaken. This seemingly harmless word, almost second nature in saying, can really put the ugly twist on an otherwise simple situation.

I was once told that the word Should is not our own voice, but the voice of someone or something outside of ourself. Meaning, Should embodies things outside of our real values, desires, routine, goals, priorities and even maturity. For me, there are two kinds of should- Self-Should and Some-Other-Asshole-Should.

Self-Should

"I should really clean the dishes."

Translation:

I don't give a shit about the dishes, but my roommate is a Nazi, and she'll be all up in my g-string if I don't do them asap.

I hate doing the dishes but my mom always told me to clean them promptly lest rats take over and eat me in my sleep.

I have to watch CSI, Prison Break, catch the finale of the Amazing race and start on the last season of 24, but my boss always told me- if you have time to lean you have time to clean, and he's the man so...

Some-Other-Asshole-Should

"You should really do the dishes."

Translation

You are a stupid sloppy bitch and I hate you. I am awesome.

If you don't do the dishes rats will start infesting your house and nesting in your in rotting half-eaten carcass. I am awesome.

You lazy boob stop masturbating to Keifer Sutherland and be a productive member of this great American dream. I am awesome.

Should comes is all shapes and sizes. In fun conversations- "Yea, you should totally buy a talking toucan and name it Sam!" , and not so fun ones- "You should stop doing heroine. You're disappearing."

But no matter the situation- Should implies that whatever is happening presently is not satisfactory in some way. It implies that someone else knows better, is more morally, ethically authoritative, and that their way is best. It implies discomfort with the self, the feeling of powerlessness beneath expectations and demands from external sources, and perhaps, more significantly the pressure to change. Should is a real doozy.

Word.

So on this precipice I do Declare! I should no more be less than what I should!

OOOkay...yea... OR I don't have any real answers but I am going to try and be more aware of this shape shifting should. Should I fail, God Help us all.